Month: June 2017

Uninspired

I find myself feeling totally uninspired. This is quite a contradiction as I am writing this because of a sudden inspiration to tell the world about how uninspired I am. (Weird)

Anyway, years ago, it was easy to put together a paragraph, a page, or a chapter. Now it’s difficult to even string two words together without having to use a dictionary. Inspiration used to flow from my fingertips onto paper, later to a keyboard where words were given life – like water – to anyone who would willingly partake of its goodness. I loved to write words describing my life and every intricate detail – it was juicy.

I don’t know if it’s the dis-ease that I have now which makes me mundane, dull, lackluster and oddly droll, but I want more. I want my old life back. I want laughter and dancing. I want poetry and fiction.

I want to feel life but how do I do this? How do I get my groove back?

How I Became a Purple Butterfly

So, I found out from my doctor that I have Lupus – along with Sciatica and arthritis and a few other ailments. Funny, I was only going in to get some medication for my bad knees and back and well…that escalated quickly. I was immediately placed on three new medications and given a prescription for physical therapy. Then, I was sent on my way home.

I sat in the car for a while, contemplating what she’d just told me. I had very little knowledge on the disease and hadn’t been given anything other than the medication from the doctor – not even a pamphlet. I guess I could’ve asked more questions at the time, but what was I supposed to ask? I didn’t think it was fatal. So, I did like anyone else with a computer would do – I went home and Googled it.

I found out that people don’t die from Lupus; however, they may die from the complications. I also found out that everyone is different, so different medications work differently for everyone.

For years I’d had symptoms which couldn’t be diagnosed, such as painful body spasms, migraines, fatigue, swelling and pain in my joints, pain in places that didn’t make sense. During that time, other doctors would only give me pain meds or muscle relaxers to help me rest.

The truly amazing thing that happened though with this diagnosis is that EVERYTHING that I went through made sense now. All of it could now be lumped into one category and be explained. I could now explain to my friends and family that I was crazy or lazy or faking my pain. It was a real problem. Now, I could give it to God.

It truly is an eye-opening experience that makes you appreciate life and contemplate mortality. I have learned not to stress about so many things anymore. I will either find a solution to the problem or be all right that there isn’t one or that it is out of my reach.

I’ve decided to document some of my thoughts as it pertains to my illness because I’ve found that writing is therapeutic.

Thank you for coming on this journey with me. ❤