Thinking of Mom

Missing You

January 27, 2015 is the day that my mom passed.  She had glioblastoma multiforme aka brain cancer.  Every year, around this time, I celebrate her memory by posting something on Facebook or Instagram.  It never seems to be enough though.  I write small paragraphs to try to get out my feelings and it never seems sufficient.

This year, she’s been on my mind so heavy that I thought maybe today is the day that I finally listen to one the many voice messages that she left me and that I saved. I hadn’t been able to listen in all this time.  It’s just been too hard.

As I stood in the shower tonight, I broke down because I just really needed my mom; to hear her, to feel her…to just be around her.  So, I opened up one of the files to listen to her voice.

This was the hardest thing I’ve had to do since she left me.  The message was her telling me that she was worried that she hadn’t heard from me.  She was hoping that I was okay and to please call her.

I’m calling now, mom.  Can you hear me?  I miss you too. Just give me a call when you get this message.  I love you with all my heart.

One day, I’ll be able to share these messages with my kids without falling apart.  They’ll be able to hear your voice asking how they were and how much you loved them.  I don’t want them to ever forget you. I love you. Thank you for everything you gave me and sacrificed for me. Thank you for loving me.

Sonja

 

 

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Chronicles of a SAHM, Thinking of Mom

Windows

Searching Pinterest (as totally random as that generally is), I came across pictures of beautiful window sills. The first one I came across, I stared at for a while. For some reason it reminded me of my mom. It wasn’t perfect – it was raining outside, but it just seemed so peaceful and beautiful in its simplicity and even though she’s no longer here with me – it reminded me of how full of life she was while here.

It got me to thinking. What’s inside my window? Is what’s inside -warm and inviting? Is it clean? Can I even see out or is my window so clouded and dirty that I not only can I not see out of it, will others be able to see into it? It may be time to do some maintenance. What about you?  What do your windows look like?

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Chronicles of a SAHM, poetry

Cracked Foundation

My foundation is cracked. My dad passed in 1989 and my mom, earlier this year.

My foundation is cracked.

I’ve not had an easy life. I’ve been raped, cheated on, lied to.
I’ve had disloyal friends. Worse – I’ve had disloyal family members.
My foundation is cracked.

I’ve had a car repossessed, a home foreclosed and lost valuable things in a flood.

Some days it feels like no one has my back.
I know that “Better days are coming” – they always do!
“Joy comes in the morning,” right?
“What I’m going through right now is preparing me for the things I asked for,” right?
“There is light at the end of the tunnel.” Okay.

It is just so hard at times.  I know God has me. I know that. It’s just hard.

Without my parents and grandparents, my foundation is definitely cracked.
But with God, I guess I am just thankful I even have the foundation.